Lost in Emotion

I must admit, I wasn't ready for this. Despite the last 3 months spent prepping, talking, dreaming (and losing sleep) about this idea of mine, the moment I made it "real" I was overcome by emotions. Overcome by joy, support, excitement and yes, the dreaded terrifying, don't-look-under-the-bed because-there-may-be-monsters sort of fear.

The support and encouragement I have received over the past week has touched me immensely. Every comment, email or offer of assistance from friends, friends-of-friends and even a few strangers has helped me feel I am on the right path. It's also helped me realize that I've been fortunate over the years to meet such an incredible group of people that I truly love and cherish. Which is perhaps where some of the fear comes from - there's a desire not to let people down, not to let my friends down, not to let myself down. 

While on the exterior, I've tried hard to tell myself that everything will work itself out, the truth of it is I don't know how everything will work itself out.  Of course, there's the security-minded part of me that worries a lot. I'm a middle-aged woman with no safety net. Will I run out of money, find a job when I return, be forced to sell my house, my car and give up my coveted parking space? (Some may laugh, but those in San Francisco will appreciate.) 

But beyond the fear of failure is the fear of not living up to one's potential. What if it is wonderful beyond my dreams? Could I give up my day job? How will it change my life when I return? Will I want to return? Am I really ready to accept it being (gulp) successful? 

And yet the fear that keeps me motivated is the fear of regret. I don't want to be lying on my death bed or in an office cubicle in a year from now, kicking myself for not doing something 100% authentically "me". Darn it, if I fail and the world rejects me, please let it be for the real me.

As I sort through the emotions of the past week, I realize it's okay to have fear. Maybe the best course is to live in the present, place it in perspective, and take small steps to work through the doubt. After all, small steps are what got me here. First I shared the idea with one friend, and then with a few friends, and before I knew it, strangers. As I became more confident, I made small decisions to support the dream. I turned down potential job opportunities, traded nights out with friends for nights working on the website, and spent money to support the project versus money to support my lifestyle. Before I knew it, I was committed to its completion. It wasn't always easy or comfortable, but it moved me forward in the direction of my dream. 

Que Sera Sera means whatever will be will be. For the next few months, I'm going to practice doing exactly that: living in the moment, taking the ups with the downs, and allowing myself to acknowledge my doubts, while taking those tiny steps closer to my goals. Yep, take that fear.

In the meantime, I am so thankful for all the support, love (and patience) of my friends. After all, a safety net isn't a bank account, a real estate investment or lucrative stock options. It's people that support you and stick with you through it all, good and bad, even when you're hiding from scary monsters...

Fear can be a scary thing. Share your comments. Tell me how you conquer it.